The Big Band Theory

By Mark Graham - live performance on Dr. Demento, late 1980's
Sung to the tune of (?)
Transcribed by Brian K. White - brian@aljex.com


Well many billion years before what we call the days of yore
The view was so uncluttered and pristine
The universe was void, nary one stray asteroid
Creation, friends, had yet to make the scene

Then with a rude & primal hiss, some fundamental orifice
Blasted forth a fluvian gas
So call it what ya may, but for now just let us say
That the cosmos & it's glory came to pass

And it was on that faithful day that the Earth was sent upon it's way
A pleasure cruise upon the cosmic sea
With Jupiter and Mars and the cast of well known stars
To keep their little buddy company

The director of the cruise kept them thoroughly amused
And delighted were they with the bill of fair
But they were certainly surprised when they finally realised
That they had booked a one-way trip to God knows where

Now being molten for a term old terra-firma became firm
and oceans filled the holes eventually
The celestial planning board soon came to full accord
And zoned the planet residentially

When the great time-sharing plan on condo Earth began
Real-estate was for the wealthy few
Now even low class bugs and germs could afford the easy terms
On a luxury apartment with a view

Well it wasn't long before gigantic dinosaurs
Were strolling up and down throughout the land
But their tiny cerebellum weren't big enough to tell'em
That their terrible demise was close at hand

The tremendous herbivores ate their herbalores-devores
Gamboling about without a care
And now they can be found far underneath the ground
in some forgotten geologic lair

Well the time went age by age and other creatures took the stage
Gorillas, cats, and dogs were in the cast
And a naked biped beast, who may not have been the least
Was among those folks who took their places last

This two-legged premadonna told all the other fauna
That the starring role was his, and his alone
And when the others asked him why, he just pointed toward the sky
And said that God had told him on the phone

Now with his new opposing thumb and his king-sized cranium
Man sallied forth with grace and savoire faire
With Promethean desire he soon discovered fire
And arson, but a single step from there

The wheel and gasoline, to the full-sized limousine
Music, art, and more are but a few
But name what can compare to the artistry so rare
as the spare-rib that has met the barbecue

Now I would like to say that we've come a long, long way
from that great primeval blast a-way back when
And before we say farewell I'd like to know just where the hell
This roller-coaster ride is going to end

Will we all be blown away on some atomic judgment day
Or travel off through space in high renown?
But where 'er we finally go, one thing I truly know:
We'll find some way to go there sitting down